Tomb Raider: The Scantily Clad Chronicles
by demonchild1
Summary: Lara does all the killing, pouting and jiggling expected in a Tomb Raider legend!
1. Lesbion Android Attacks!

Tomb Raider: The Scantily Clad Chronicles  
  
Chapter 1: The Attack off the Lesbian android  
  
[Lara's old and wrinkly butler enters the bathroom holding a tray full of fluffy white towels. In the background a shower can be heard]  
  
Butler: Miss Croft….are you quite all right?  
  
Lara: [From inside the shower] Yes, could you pass me a towel? [Her hand reaches out of the curtain and with uncanny precision it lands right in her hand. She gets out drops the towel to the floor. She is stark nude]  
  
Butler: Um…Miss Croft wouldn't you like some clothes?  
  
Lara: No, being naked in the inevitable oncoming fight scene will be a hit with male gamers [Fondling herself she winks in the direction of the computer screen]  
  
Butler: Oh, of course.  
  
[Through the window bursts a large female android with incredible bosoms]  
  
Android: Croft join the lesbian androids or be DESTROYED!  
  
Lara:[Taking a heroic pose and shouting] NEVER!  
  
Butler:[Slightly stunned] Miss Croft would you like a weapon?  
  
Lara: Never mind, Jeremy!  
  
Butler: It's Pimms actually.  
  
Lara: Oh, whatever [From the depths of her cleavage she produces an Uzi, sub-machinegun, bazooka and a grappling hook. Once again she winks at the screen]  
  
Android: I suppose, Croft you do not desire the Dagger of the Monks of Scantily Cladness?  
  
Lara: What on earth is that?  
  
Android: It gives you the highest Polygon count known to man!  
  
Butler: Why Miss Croft with that you could be beautiful!  
  
Lara: [She points her sub-machine gun at him] What!  
  
Butler: Oh I mean more so! Why for the first time you could have round breasts!  
  
Lara: Yes that is interesting. Let's have a cup of tea.  
  
Butler: [Worried after being threatened with a gun] Miss Croft what about the fight scene. Everyone would be terribly disappointed….  
  
Lara: Oh all right! [She attaches a claymore to the robot and throws herself out the window]  
  
Butler&Android: Oh crap!  
  
[Large explosion with large bits of debris. There is a minute of silence and the Butler climbs out of the rubble carrying his tray]  
  
Butler: Umm Miss Croft….  
  
Lara: [Annoyed] Oh don't you ever die! 


	2. Training Time!

Tomb Raider: The Scantily Clad Chronicles  
  
Chapter 2: Training Time!  
  
[Butler enters the breakfast room with a glass of Orange Juice. Lara sits in full army gear with her large combat boots on the table.]  
  
Butler: Here you are M'lady.[He passes her the glass she downs it in one and passes it back to him]  
  
Lara: I need that dagger and if I'm going to get it I've got to be ready! [She slams her fist on the table] We need to do some training.  
  
Butler: Miss Croft before we embark on dangerous and possibly fatal training in which I control the very safety of your life can I ask, what is my name?  
  
Lara: Oh I don't know…. Percy?  
  
Butler: [Containing his anger] Right…. [The glass in his hand shatters in to pieces] Let's go arm the lasers!  
  
Lara: [Oblivious] OK  
  
TEN MINUTES LATER  
  
[Lara does a series of showy and unnecessary back flips to avoid the rapid fire. Butler sits behind controlling the weapon]  
  
Butler: [Unheard over the din of the laser] DIE BITCH! DIE! I'LL SHOW YOU TO USE ME AS A MOVING TARGET IN YOUR ASSAULT COURSE!  
  
[Lara does a spectacular move. She manages to accurately throw a rock with her feet while eating a banana and hanging from the bars. The rock disables Butler's laser. Enter the token Scottish brain that no one likes]  
  
ScottishGuyWhoNoOneLikes: Ach no! Ya wee burn! Wat have ye doon ta ma precious leesa! [There is a brief silence. He speaks with his proper English accent.] I'll get my coat then shall I…?  
  
[Butler and Lara exchange glances.]  
  
Butler & Lara: RIIIIIGGGHHHTTT…  
  
[Lara hangs from the bars. There is a knock at the front door]  
  
Butler: I'll just get that…  
  
Lara: Be quick; I need to get down!  
  
[Butler meets his old pal, Jeeves at the door. They go through to the kitchen and begin to talk.]  
  
SIX HOURS LATER  
  
Jeeves: So I said to him you can make you own breakfast!  
  
Butler: Damn Right!  
  
Jeeves: So how is Miss Croft?  
  
Butler: Dear Lord!  
  
[They rush to the gymnasium where they find Lara weeping.]  
  
Lara: [Sobbing] I ate a penny to stay alive! 


	3. A Rival Emerges!

Tomb Raider: The Scantily Clad Chronicles  
  
Chapter 3: A Rival Emerges!  
  
[After rescuing Lara from the Monkey Bars, Butler and Jeeves make her strong coffee]  
  
Butler: Miss Croft forgive me I never meant to….  
  
Lara: Oh you think you can fool me, Arnold…  
  
Butler: [Looking pissed off] Pimms.  
  
Lara: Right. But I know this was a test of my endurance. To see what I could really do you sly devil!  
  
Butler: Umm…of course.  
  
Lara: While I was up there I remember a book my father used to read me.  
  
[Dramatic music begins to play] It told of the dagger and it's powers and it gave clues of where to find it. Unfortunately he sold it in a car boot sale. If only I could find the owner!  
  
Butler: You didn't think to mention it earlier?  
  
Lara: The opportunity never came up…  
  
[Butler mumbles something that sounds remarkably like 'Daft cow']  
  
Jeeves: Do you mean the Dagger of the Monks of Scantily Cladness? [Lara nods. Jeeves shouts in a shocked fashion] It belongs to my employer Baron Von Mimblewimble!  
  
Lara: Hmmm.  
  
Jeeves: Aren't you in the least bit frightened?  
  
Lara: Nah!  
  
Jeeves: But he sounds so evil and mysterious. How will you ever defeat him?  
  
Lara: I'm planning to shoot him in the head.  
  
Jeeves: Oh...right.  
  
Lara: Quick to the Croft Mobile!  
  
Butler: Are you talking about the Skoda?  
  
Lara: [Still Confident] Yes…yes I am!  
  
[We cut to a darkened room lit only by a fireplace. A man resembling Woody Allen stands in a Smoking Jacket drinking a glass of brandy watching a computer screen. Lara is seen standing there.]  
  
Baron: Oh you think you can beat me Miss Croft you are sorely mistaken., mwhaha, Mwhaha, MWHAHA!  
  
[We hear a bang from above]  
  
Baron's Mother: Keep it down!  
  
Baron: Sorry Momma! 


	4. Sacrifice

Tomb Raider: The Scantily Clad Chronicles  
  
Chapter 4: Sacrifice  
  
[Lara enters the secret castle of Baron Von Mimblewimble via the air vent. Meanwhile Pimms and Jeeves enter via the front door (Jeeves had the keys) Jeeves had offered to smuggle Lara in but she insisted on doing it the traditional way. They rendezvous in the toy room where the evil Baron Von Mimblewimble keeps his assorted dolls. How evil.]  
  
Lara: Right, we've infiltrated the target base and are preparing to strike. Jeeves you say our goal is in the Left Quadrant of the Mandatory Sector.  
  
Jeeves: Right, the Daggers in the Baron's Mother's bedroom.  
  
Lara: What we need is a way to scale the exterior wall.  
  
[TheScottishGuyWhoNoOneLikes enters wielding several large and unnecessarily shiny guns.]  
  
TheScottishGuyWhoNoOneLikes: Ach! I see yee ure in a wee bat of achboder! Ie can elp ye there! [He produces shiny wall climbing contraption] Dis buby can sceel eny wall in da coontry. But not dos fancy Japanese walls.  
  
Lara: [beat] How did you get in?  
  
[TheScottishGuyWhoNoOneLikes begins to mumble incomprehensibly]  
  
Jeeves: Well he's a …character?  
  
Lara: Indeed. He just turns up whenever I'm in a predicament with some non- sensical ramblings and a handy dandy weapon. It's a pain in the ass!  
  
Jeeves: Why don't you just shoot him?  
  
Lara: I've tried but he never seems to be dead for very long. It's creepy.  
  
Butler: [Scoffing] That's the pot calling the kettle black Miss. I died TWICE and I came back with no apparent reason.  
  
Lara: Look who's talking Gary!  
  
Butler: [Angry] It's PIMMS GOD DAMMNIT! [He attacks her and rolling around on the floor they begin to throttle each other] I'M GONNA KILL YOU!  
  
Lara: [Punching him] I'D KILL YOU BUT IT'D BE A BLOODY WASTE OF TIME!  
  
Jeeves: Shhhh! The Baron will hear you!  
  
Baron: [Making a dramatic entrance ] A bit late for that traitor!  
  
[Lara says nothing but after breaking the China head of one of Baron's dollies she throws it at his heart. Jeeves in a final rush of loyalty throws himself into the line of fire. He dies (dumbass) his master is simply knocked out.]  
  
Butler: [Holding Jeeves limp corpse] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Lara: YESSSSS! Look ! [The ancient book of the Dagger of the Monks of Scantily Cladness has flown out of Baron's inside pocket.] Let's go you big women! 


	5. The Library

Tomb Raider: The Scantily Clad Chronicles  
  
Chapter 4: The Library  
  
*I'm sorry I haven't written a chapter for ages. I am back and so are Lara and Pimms. But not Jeeves. Enjoy  
  
[We cut to the Library where Lara is sitting battle ravaged from her eventful confrontation with the Baron. Pimms is sobbing]  
  
Lara: [Peering at the book] hmm. I'm having trouble deciphering this symbol 'And the monks placeth the dagger in.in.' Oh damn it Pereguin pay attention!  
  
Pimms: [weeping] He was my only friend. Except of course for Arnie the Sock Puppet [he reveals an ugly sock puppet and makes it dance] AND MY NAME IS PIMMS!  
  
Lara: Now come on let's not play the "that's not my name game" and stop being so immature. And put that infernal sock puppet away.  
  
Pimms: You should respect Arnie he's been on thousands of adventures.  
  
Lara: Listen how many times do I have to tell you? The omnipotent spirit of Arnold Schwarzenegger does not possess your sock puppet.  
  
Pimms: [Covering his ears with his hands] LIAR! Anyway Arnie has been offended and will away [He raises his sock puppet and puts on a squeaky voice] I'll be back.  
  
[Lara rolls her eyes and goes back to deciphering the symbol]  
  
Lara; 'in.in. the stoneth of the hidden templeth.' AHA! [Lara turns the page] 'For further instruction please see hidden cavern of mysterious mystery, Antarctica.'.what I have to go all the way to Antarctica! For God's Sake! I am so writing to the publisher [she reads the side] .Scholastic!  
  
Pimms: Shall I prep the jet, madam?  
  
Lara: No I fancy a walk.  
  
Pimms: What all the way to Antarctica?  
  
Lara: Good Thinking. If we're going to beat Mimblewimble there we'd better take the plane.  
  
Pimms: * Sigh * I'll get the guns  
  
Lara: [She pats her breast] No need 


	6. The Secret Caves of Mysterious Mysterey,...

Tomb Raider: The Scantily Clad Chronicles  
  
Chapter 5: The Secret Caves of Mysterious Mystery, Antarctica  
  
[The Croft jet lands in the snowy planes of Antarctica. Pimms and Lara get out wrapped in large coats. TheScottishGuyWhoNoOneLikes gets out wearing just a kilt. Arnie is also there on Pimms hand wearing a large coat.]  
  
Lara: [Signalling at Scottish Guy] Patrick why is he here.  
  
Pimms: He threatened poor Arnie's life. And it's.oh why bother?  
  
Lara: [She indicates to Arnie] If he is possessed by Arnold Schwarzenegger then why won't he grow some bloody balls?! He's supposed to be a frickin action hero!  
  
Pimms: He's just going through a rough period first 'The 6th Day' then 'End of Days' rejection's getting a bit much for him.  
  
Lara: mumble.  
  
Pimms: Anyway you said it your self ScottishGuyWhoNoOneLikes is useful.  
  
Lara: It's not that but would it kill him to wear some boxers under that damn thing. The wind keeps billowing.  
  
ScottishGuyWhoNoOneLikes: Ya wimpy monkey ye woodn't laaast a dey in the cooold lend of Scootland  
  
Lara: Right! I've had just give me the useful invention and piss off back to the jet.  
  
[He hands her a large laser 'Secret Language Decipherer' is written on the side.]  
  
Lara: Right, Gary.  
  
Pimms: Pimms  
  
Lara: Towards the caves! ONWARD!  
  
[We cut to the inside of the cavern where the Baron is just about to take the map to the next location. Lara and Pimms run in.]  
  
Pimms: It's the Baron we've got to stop him!  
  
Lara: [She looks down at the 'Secret Language Decipherer'] I have an idea [She throws the very heavy contraption at the Baron and knocks him out cold]  
  
Pimms: LARA! We needed that to figure out the text!  
  
Lara: [Picking up the scroll] I think I've got it "The dagger lies, in the hidden space deep beneath the Croft Manor, It's shiny and nice and bladed thrice and greener than Dr.Bruce Banner." I'm a regular genius.  
  
Pimms: You got all that from a pictogram of a cat? 


	7. Burner Returns!

Tomb Raider: The Scantily Clad Chronicles  
  
Chapter 7: Burner Returns!  
  
Hi in this topic there's a character called Burner he's based on the character of Lara's mentor in Tomb Raider 4.  
  
[Pimms, Lara, Arnie and Scottish Guy are in Hawaii as Lara tries to figure out the next clue. The Baron is in Alaska also trying to decipher the scripture and when he's got a spare moment he is writing threatening letters to his travel agent.]  
  
  
  
Lara: I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THIS DAMN MANUSCRIPT!  
  
Pimms; Well it's your own fault we had a perfectly good invention and you just threw it away.  
  
Lara: Well I assumed Hamish over there [Indicating to the ScottishGuy] would have another.  
  
ScottishGuyWhoNoOneLikes: Pisch oof ya sarkastic piesh of English scuum.  
  
Lara: Bring it on Scotty!  
  
ScottishGuyWhoNoOneLikes: You got soomthin ta say, say it to me face!  
  
Lara: I'll say it to your ass when I kick it!  
  
[They start to wrestle in the sand. Pimms steps in and pulls them apart. Arnie who is currently occupying Pimms hand is sipping a martini.]  
  
Pimms: Stop it both of you!  
  
[A shadow falls on the group. It is a very tall butch woman in a flowerey dress]  
  
Burner: Unhand Lady Croft!  
  
[Lara wrestles herself from Pimms grasp]  
  
Lara: And who might you be . punk?  
  
Burner: It's me Burner!  
  
Lara: But. you're a woman.  
  
Burner: Yes long story that. So what are you doing here?  
  
Lara: You know the old story Ancient artefact blahblahblah evil-yet- incompetent villain blahblahblah I save the day blahblahblah and we all learn a valuable lesson.  
  
Burner: Ahhhh I miss the old days of adventuring.  
  
Arnie: Well I could transport you back in time.  
  
Pimms: Arnie you must keep your identity secret.  
  
Arnie; Silence you cur [He slaps Pimms]  
  
Lara: Well Burner you could just come along with us.  
  
Burner: Sure Whatever. 


End file.
